Showbiz Made Desperate

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

This is Getting Ridiculous…

Boo hoo hoo!!! The bloke out of A Knight’s Tale is dead!!! Let’s all burst into tears!

The saga continues and no celebrity story is complete without Lindsay Lohan sticking her oar in. How did she take the news? By sobbing her head off. It transpires that Heath stuck his willy in her in New York during Thanksgiving. Apparently he’s also been at it with Kate Hudson, Heather Graham and Helena Christensen – so his funeral will keep women’s magazine style pages packed until Easter.

Now, I’m no monster. Is shouting “Heath’s dead! Heaths’ dead!” anyway to break the news to an impressionable young pill popping piss head? No. It’s very rude! What appals me is that this story is going to drag on for months. Meanwhile anyone with a keyboard is tapping on about how ‘sad’ it all is. Accidents happen! Stay away from the pills and don’t kill yourself!

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fucking hell!! Heath Ledger is dead!!!

It can only be hours until a heart broken Cleo Rocos pays tribute to Heath - esteemed thesp of Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, the new Batman film and...er, other things no one remembers.

Crikey. It's like Anna Nicole Smith. We all know where we were when she died I'm sure. Heath Ledger though. Tsk. Hollywood isn't for everyone. And he seemed like such a nice young man until he lost his hair and dumped his wife and baby.

That's Batman fucked then.

It's probably a drugs over dose.

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UPDATE: Actually what the fuck am I on about? "Seemed like a nice boy"? How the fuck am I to know?! I've been hoodwinked by all this celebrity shite! Take a look around the celebrity blogs, they're full of it! "He was only 28", "it's a tragedy" yak yak yak. The only reason this is news is because he pretended to shag Donnie Darko up his arse in a tent. Big deal! That shit happens for real every day! So blah blah.

Monday, January 21, 2008

It’s War!!

Haha! Look at that! Suzanne Shaw sliced in the head by an ice skate and crying like a baby. Maybe there is some justice in the world after all. Still, she wasn’t sufficiently injured enough to prevent her competing in Dancing On Ice, ITV’s chav take on Strictly Come Dancing, so her desperate bid for reality TV stardom continues (again).

The Daily Mail claimed today that Suzanne, Linda Lusardi and Aggy from How Clean Is Your House are locked in a deadly feud! In a hugely unbelievable and typically Mail-ish tale of women not getting along it’s claimed Suzanne’s accused Linda of only being on the show to provide ‘eye candy’ while Aggy’s telling Suzanne not to take the show too seriously as her comeback dreams are doomed. Hmm. Linda’s a bit on the old side for ‘eye candy’ isn’t she? We’d like to believe Aggy’s been slagging Suzanne though. She needs to give it up and get back to Kwik Save till or whatever she was doing before Popstars. Getting knocked up by Darren Day is one thing, Dancing on Ice is quite another…

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The Glamorous Face of WD-40!

Poor old Anna Ryder Richardson – the days of her turning respectable suburban bedrooms into tarts boudoirs are long since behind her. Oh yes, she claws her way onto I’m A Celebrity, eats a few bugs, puts herself through some unremarkable humiliations and this – this! – is all she gets out of it? WD bloody 40?!

Reader it’s true. Anna is no Linda Barker with her DFS ads and various bits of rubbish. Oh no, Anna has to make do with promoting WD-40’s Magic Pen “an amazing non-aerosol applicator of the WD-40 elixir”. They’re thrilled. Read on;

“Much like WD-40 Anna is an ultimate problem solver – she brings with her the experience to deal with the extraordinary, coupled with the know how of dealing with those day-to-day problems that we all encounter in the home.”

Anna is even available for interview to chat about this miracle product. Anna, was it worth it?